Autism, ADD, and The Holidays...When Ho-Ho-Ho Turns to No-No-No

Working parents with Special education Special needs children including Autism ADHD Learning disabilities  Employee benefits Employee assistance Employee support Voluntary benefits. 504 Plan, IEP Program

For parents of children with autism spectrum disorders, ADD/ADHD, sensory, or other special needs, the holidays can be nothing short of a nightmare.  One that continues for more than a sleepless night.  Knowing your child's abilities, limitations, and preferences and adapting accordingly can make this time of year far more bearable, for everyone involved...

Visiting.  If family and friends are coming to your home, make sure your child knows when (day and time...and use a countdown timer as well if that helps) and that he/she can go off by themselves (with mindful supervision) whenever they wish.  Insisting that they greet people at the door or that they sit with everyone to "catch-up" could be a meltdown or escape moment waiting to happen.

If you’re heading to the homes of others, do everything possible to ensure a short visit (brief is better)…that as few “new” faces are there as possible (try to visit during an "off" time)…and that a quiet place is shown and available to your child upon arrival.  And, if your family or friends are unaware of your child’s diagnosis, sharing this information may be the greatest gift you can give...to yourself, your child, and to them.

Peers.  Seeing the cousins in a group or having the neighbors visiting in one evening may create major social issues, even if your child or teen may otherwise have a positive experience when it's 1:1 or a small group.  Give your child every opportunity for social success by limiting who comes when, making sure your child knows the plan. and changing things if it appears as though the timing might not be right.

Food glorious food.  Be aware of what’s being served on those platters and in those bowls.  If your child is on a gluten-free or other restrictive diet, bring the foods that you child can eat and in the typical dishes or bowls, particularly if your child is younger.  Now is not the time to introduce new foods and fancy ways to serve them.

Attire.  That brand new dress or shirt or those fancy socks could cause sensory issues that ruin a holiday moment before it begins.  Allow your child to dress as they prefer or introduce the "new attire" well before the official wearing, asking them if they want to “dress it up” a bit.

Music.  If music is soothing or if Jingle Bells happens to be a favorite, play music as much as possible during the holidays.  If attending holiday religious services is planned and if it's a new experience, a brief introduction is better than expecting your child to sit through two hours of services.  Crowds, tight seating, sounds, smells ... each alone may trigger sensory and auditory overload, so anticipate.  Arrive early to allow your child to see the environment.  Sit in the back.  Bring a snack.  And leave when it’s clear that enough is enough.

Chanukah, Kwanzaa, and the Christmas tree.  Lighting the Chanukah candles and the Kwanzaa feast can be a wonderful gatherings for family, but your child or teen may find these activities difficult.  And keep in mind that the blinking lights and singing ornaments on the Christmas tree (or Chanukah bush) can also create problems and may trigger sensory overload.

Shopping.   The mall with its crowds and loud noises are a recipe for a meltdown or resistance to even going.  If the picture with Santa is important, find a garden shop, bookstore, or other smaller venue where Santa pictures are being taken.  And if your child feels about Santa as many do about clowns (i.e. forget it), use photoshop to put them in the picture.

Schedules and routines.  The holidays mean changes which can result in havoc for children and teens alike.  This is also a time where therapies are on hiatus, creating even more need for structure and predictability.  Prepare a visual schedule – with your child’s assistance if possible – to show the plans for the days and nights.  And try to continue with some aspects of your child's therapies at home (another reason why ongoing communication with providers is essential).  Preparation is key.

Flexibility.  More important during the holidays than at any other time.  Bedtimes can be pushed.  Snacks can be expanded (unless there are dietary issues).  Time spent on video games can be extended.  Sleeping in their clothes is just fine.  The key is monitoring your child and making adjustments accordingly.  And listen to their wishes as these can be more important than anything in a box.

Gifts.  If the expectations on Christmas morning exceed the pleasure, forgo it.  Some children and teens find the pressure of opening gifts and then having to appear overjoyed more than they can handle.  In fact, many prefer to open their gifts alone.  Christmas Eve or Christmas evening after dinner work just fine too.  And ask family and friends what's in those nicely-wrapped packages as gifts with sounds or requiring two hours of assembly can be meltdown-provoking.  Same with your gifts.

The most important part of the holiday season is showing your child - based upon their personality, needs, expectations, and limitations - that the holidays can be fun and that you're listening to and watching for their cues.  This will make things far more enjoyable for everyone and will bring you a little "ho, ho, ho" in the process.  Happy Holidays...

Autism Isn't A Day Or Month

I'm a big supporter of raising awareness of causes and issues, encouraging people to rally to bring about change.  Yet when it comes to autism, a day or a month simply won't suffice. On various media outlets over the past few days, individuals have been sharing their insights into the realities of autism.  Some were identified as "experts" which, in my opinion, is a term that needs to be affixed carefully.  There was one - a mother - who spoke about raising her child with autism, sharing the realities with an emotional overlay that was as real as it gets.  This is the true expert.

Two of the other expert perspectives in particular stood out to me, each warranting a response and further discussion.  And while there may be those who might question from where I am gleaning my insights or upon what soapbox I'm standing, I'll say that after spending 15+ years in the trenches in this arena both professionally and personally, I'll take my chances.

One of the experts I'm referencing stated that parents need to push for services for their children.  Absolutely true.  Could not agree more nor cannot overemphasize the importance of parents taking charge in this regard.  Yet there was, and continues to be, a critical oversight here and one that is consistently overlooked.  It's that parents need to learn *how* to push for services for their children, particularly in school where the lion's share of these services need to be accessed.

There is an assumption, and a misplaced one at that, that parents automatically or miraculously acquire these skills ... that somehow these skills simply appear after their child receives an autism spectrum diagnosis.  And this assumption even occurs with parents themselves who, in their jobs or professions, may have skills that they "assume" will transfer to parent advocacy and school interactions, but sadly do not.

Just like the social skills/social thinking that their children need to learn through direct instruction, parents also need to be taught how to navigate through the educational arena in order to secure the services that experts continue to state (and parents know) their children need.  And need now.  I often say that special education requires a master's level of skills that continue to evolve over time.  Telling parents that they need to work hard over the long haul to get their children what they need is one thing.  Teaching them how to do so is another thing entirely.

The other expert on a different media outlet stated that as children reach high school, they need to learn life skills.  What?  As they reach high school?  Ever hear the expression "too little, too late?"  Here's what's wrong with this statement.

Part 1 -- we first need to acknowledge that there's a stigma attached to the phrase "life skills" so we need to rename it.  Parents (and others) equate it with things that, for many children on the autism spectrum including those with Asperger's Syndrome, simply do not apply.  But there's another huge bucket of life skills that they most definitely *do* need to learn (and be taught) in order to have any hope of successfully transitioning after high school graduation into college, employment, or independent living.  Once we eliminate the barriers created by the words "life skills" and broaden what it means, we can then begin to ensure that these skills are taught starting in preschool...and for all children.

Part 2 -- when the teen reaches high school, it's far too late to start thinking about the "life skills" they will need to transition into the adult world.  Even though transition planning is now supposed to begin at age 14, most schools pay little attention to the skills our children need to live as adults in the world.  We don't start to teach reading when the child is 12 years old, so why would we wait until the child is a teen to begin teaching these critical skills?  Skills that are considered "life skills" need to hold equal weight with academic skills in terms of their importance.  And for some children, they're even more important.  This isn't an either/or scenario and parents should not be forced to choose (and this happens frequently) between helping their child improve their reading level or how to complete a job application or to live with a roommate in college.

The attention to autism this month and any month helps to raise the volume of discussion about a diagnosis impacting families, businesses, and our society.  And whether you believe the recent CDC stats or not, the reality is that there are millions of children and teens today with an autism spectrum diagnosis growing up to become part of our adult world.  As future employees, tomorrow's college students, and the next generation of parents themselves.

Examining how we're approaching autism is not an easy topic nor task, but real change is never easy.  What it does require is for us to honestly assess whether we're providing parents with what they need to effectively help their children succeed in school and beyond.  And it also requires us to closely examine whether we're truly doing what we need to do to help our children reach adulthood as prepared as possible.  This requires more than a day or month.  It requires a lifetime.

 

The Roller Coaster Ride That Never Ends...

How many parents haven't agreed to ride the roller coaster at least once with their kids?  It's almost a "right of passage" - sitting for 3 minutes on a ride that you can't wait to end.  Yet riding the roller coaster at an amusement park doesn't come close to the other roller coaster ride - the one that parents can't get off because it simply doesn't end. I can count on two hands the number of days school has been in session yet would need my hands and toes plus those of others to count some of what I've already been told...

  • My child's teacher refuses to allow my son to have a midday snack even though it's on his IEP and has been documented by medical need.
  • We explained that my daughter needs extra time to transition from class to class and it's in her IEP, yet we've already received a note saying that she's been late for class several times.
  • Even though my child's IEP states that homework will be limited to 30 minutes per night, we're already spending double that amount of time and behaviors are starting.

Yes..it's the start of a new school year.  New backpacks.  New classmates.  And a host of new issues that often combine with those carried over from last year.  If your child is in special education, you know well that this ride is anything but short and you won't be on solid ground for a while.

Added to the challenges that inherently accompany having a child with autism, ADD/ADHD, or a learning disability comes slashed budgets, larger class sizes particularly if your child is in a regular education classroom, and fewer resources.  Districts are stretched thin and so are teachers.  Yet the reality is that it's the parents who are feeling the strain and the children are already showing it.

Every school year begins with the hope that it will be a good one.  That services will be provided, supports will be in place, compliance with IEPs will occur, and collaboration will be the approach.  And for many parents, this is indeed how this and every school year begins.  Yet for many others, it's anything but.

A few things to ease the mounting pressure:

  • If your child is already showing signs that things are not working, reconvene your IEP team now.  It should be routine that, depending upon how your child is doing "out of the gate," you convene in September or early October.  Remember that you can call an IEP meeting at any time so don't wait.
  • If your child made progress or regressed over the summer, bring this information and data to your IEP team meeting.  It's essential that everyone involved in teaching and supporting your child knows what has happened from June through September.
  • If your child has been evaluated or re-evaluated over the summer and you agree with the findings, provide a copy of this report to your district before heading into an IEP meeting.  You want to give them sufficient time to review the documentation so that you're all on the "same page" during your discussions.

And the most important piece of guidance is this - your child is continually changing and as such, your child's IEP may need to change as well.  If you developed this year's IEP last year, think about the weeks and months that have passed in the meantime.  Things that may have appeared appropriate in March may well be different in September.

If you have not been keeping notes at home, do so.  Your observations and data factor into your child's educational plan so be sure you're watching, listening, and recording things as the school year unfolds.  Document all conversations with school district staff - no "off the cuff" discussions apply.

Your child's greatest resource is you.  Pace yourself.  Be proactive.  Focus on collaboration.  And don't be afraid to ask the tough questions or to bring in outside support if needed.   I read a great business quote that certainly applies here too -- "What you want, you will get.  But you have to want it enough to go about getting it."

Independence...A Day Or A Life

July 4th...a day commemorating our independence.  Most of us never think about our independence because we typically just make our own choices and do as we please.  We take for granted that we can go here and there, do this and that ... all at will. But if you think about the definition of independence as it applies to children with autism and other diagnoses  - not relying on another or others for aid or support - the word suddenly takes on a whole new meaning.   And while independence is defined differently for every child, the process of working toward this goal remains the same.  It's called hard work, never saying quit, and keeping your eyes firmly on the prize.

Not every child will reach the plateau of total independence (true for children without a diagnosis as well).  But, do you know how many children have been - and still are - thought to lack the ability to *be* independent at any level because of an obstacle and barrier (i.e. their diagnosis) that others believe precludes achieving this goal?  And do you know how many have proven these people wrong?

For many, independence is celebrated as a day with family barbeques and fireworks.  For many others, it's a life goal that often starts in childhood, continuing through adolescence and right into young adulthood.  It's what parents "in the trenches" are fighting for every day, refusing to relent to the labels or naysayers who seem to know what the future holds.  They don't.

For the millions of children (and their parents) who are striving to achieve the milestone of independence, think of tomorrow as a celebration of you and everything you're working so hard to achieve.  Nothing worth achieving comes without true effort and you continuously show the rest of the world what this is truly all about.

Parents, Children, Autism, and Unconditional Love

Let me start by saying that I'm not a psychologist, sociologist, or expert on love.  I am, however, a parent and as such, have filled these roles and many more in the two decades since I went from being "me" to "we." Andrew Solomon's recently posted TED talk - "Love, no matter what" on parenting, children, differences, and unconditional love struck a number of chords.  How we need to embrace our children and their differences and how unconditional love means doing just this.  He spoke of the changes we as a society have undergone in terms of understanding and accepting our gay children, our children with Down's Syndrome, and our children with other differences and disabilities.  And while I agreed with much of his talk, there were two points of fairly strong disagreement, one of which follows.

Solomon stated that parents of children with autism who wish that their children did not have this diagnosis somehow fail the litmus test of unconditional love.  What?  Parents of autistic children don't love their children unconditionally?  Say it wasn't what he said.  But it was.

On my soapbox I climb once again to say... No parents understand the definition of unconditional love like parents of children with autism.

I don't need to revisit again what I've expressed so many times before...the hours, sacrifices, work/life conflicts, financial strain, family upheaval...all the things that define parenting children, teens, and young adults in a world where they struggle at best to meet its demands.  But I do need to ensure that anyone who may not understand why parents would "wish" their children did not have this diagnosis, understands it now.

Parents of autistic children see their children's struggles every day in ways that clinicians, teachers, and others cannot.  They see them from sunrise to sunset.  They know that the weather, clothing, food, sounds, movement, people, activities, environments, and a host of other day-to-day situations create chaos for their children.  Does anyone think these parents may "wish" this wasn't the case for their children?  Does anyone think these parents may "wish" their children had friends?  Could speak?  Could drive?  Live independently?  Work?

If parents of children with autism wish anything, it's that their children did not have these struggles or needs.  They wish for anything - something - to lessen their children's pain.  But the wishing has nothing whatsoever to do with love.  And certainly not unconditional love.  Parents of children with autism *define* unconditional love and epitomize what this truly means.  They could also teach a lesson or two to many other parents as well.

We all wish for things.   For life to be easier.  For money to be more.  For family to be well.  And yes, parents of children with autism do wish for things too.  That their 4th Grader would be invited to a classmate's birthday party.  That their 8th Grader would be asked to be in the science club.  That their 12th Grader would be able to attend college.  But the one wish they don't have is wishing that their children were different so their love for them would then be without restrictions or caveats.

It's this type of unconditional love that keeps parents of children with autism forging ahead, plowing through the difficulties, never taking "no" for an answer, exploring supports wide and far.  If wishing comes into play here at all, it's that these parents wish that their children may have every opportunity to live a life where *their* wishes can come true.  And their shot at doing so rests firmly on the shoulders of their parents who love them unconditionally.

Snap Out Of It...

I love this line from the film "Moonstruck," when Cher tells Nicholas Cage to snap out of it after he says he loves her (she is planning to marry his brother).  It's a favorite that I often use when a particular topic arises. The topic is labels and let me first say this...no one likes to be labeled anything.  Labels are restrictive and create barriers.  They convey things to others that are often incorrect and can be discriminatory.  But...they can also open doors and create avenues that may otherwise not be available to pursue.  And they also help to bring explanations and reason to things that may truly need clarity.

All this to say, it always confounds me when I hear a parent say that they know their child is struggling yet don't want to have them evaluated.  My initial reaction is to empathize, saying that I understand that finding out "why" can be scary and overwhelming.  It taps into fears of the unknown, of what we may *think* we know about something, and of what finding out will really mean.  But it takes less than 10 seconds to move from an empathetic reaction to a "snap out of it" response mode.

No parent wants to think or be told that their child has autism.  Or is bipolar.  Or has ADHD.  What parent would ever want their child to be "labeled" no less to face the reality that others will know about it too.  What parent would wish therapies or being pulled out of class for support on their child.  None.  But parents who resist or refuse to "face the music" need to realize a few facts:

  1. They need to separate their own preconceived notions and "what if's" from the realities facing their child.
  2. They need to recognize that every day, week, and month of delay is precious time wasted.
  3. They need to understand that the label is essential to securing the supports and services the child may need in school...and beyond.

When I hear a parent express their concerns, I ask whether they prefer speculation or knowing.  Whether the status quo is working.  Whether their child is on a trajectory of success or failure.  Of *course* every parent wants their child to be healthy and happy.  To get good grades, make friends, and be successful in the world.  These are foundational desires all parents share.

Yet many children have been struggling for years, taking a huge toll on the child in immeasurable ways.  Repeated "F's" on tests can be seen (and can be devastating to the child), but it's the things out of view - the sense of failure, of not feeling smart, of always having difficulties - these are the things that can take away a child's desire to even try anymore.  And it doesn't matter if the child is in 3rd Grade or is 15-years-old; feelings of despair accumulate and struggling saps the drive and hope for a better tomorrow out of the youngest of children.

Do parents who resist an evaluation and "label" think that the struggling is going to stop at will?  That the child is intentionally failing math, purposely not making friends, or planning to have behavioral issues in school?  Of course not.  And this is where the "snap out of it" message needs to be said...and heard.

It is incumbent upon parents of children for whom struggling defines their existence to put their own fears aside and mobilize.  With the end of the school year upon us, summer is the time to secure an evaluation and to plan for how to make things better in September and beyond. Yes, this may mean special education services, frequent meetings with school, and involvement of private clinicians and outside experts.  But which vision do you choose...pretending the issues don't exist, hoping they'll just go away with time, or telling your child that you're now "on the case" and that things are going to improve?

A label is words.  Dyslexia.  ADD.  Asperger's Syndrome.  They only have power if parents allow them to.  These words are also doorways to answers and strategies that will move the needle from failure to success, defined differently for every child.

If you happen to be one of the parents who have allowed your own fears to override getting the information - and diagnosis - your child needs, please...snap out of it.  Your child is depending upon you to do so.

When One Small Step Is Anything But Small

People tend to believe that it's the big things in life that have the most significance, but I don't necessarily agree.  Small things often make the greatest impact, and one group of people know exactly what I mean. If you're the parent of a typical child, there are so many "firsts" and accomplishments that the small steps often get lost in the shuffle.  Not so for parents of children with an autism spectrum disorder.  For these parents, life is all about watching for the smallest possible step.  About knowing the minutes, days, and months of effort that went into making this step happen.  It's often only those closest to the child who can understand and appreciate what this is all about.

Ever sit and watch a flower bloom?  You rarely see anything, but look away for a day and the changes are often amazing.  Parents of children with autism spend much of their lives closely watching for that bloom to happen ... for that "one thing", that small step that will show them that their child is learning to speak, respond, play, understand.  And they see it when it happens.

This past week, I spoke with a parent who was sharing how her child was finally able to tolerate something that had been - up to that point - intolerable.  For most parents, this would have been seen as a "get over it" moment, but not for this parent.  It was a huge obstacle that impacted her child's ability to function and the family's ability to function as well.  Anyone who would say that a small step isn't a major milestone is someone whose life hasn't been touched by autism.

Think about it this way...most people stand back and look at life like admiring a huge mural painted on the side of a building.  But for parents of children with autism, they're standing right up close, seeing every single stroke of the brush.  When your child struggles on a daily basis in a world that assaults their senses and challenges their abilities, every step forward is anything but small.  These parents know what they're looking for and even if they don't, they still see when something changes or some progress is made.  That's because they're always looking and hoping for it.

That infamous line..."One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" are words that ring true for each and every parent of a child with autism.  Every small step their child makes is a leap indeed, for it paves the way for a future of possibilities.  And possibility is that wonderful thing that keeps parents moving forward.

Life is about giving and receiving and I don't know any single group of individuals who give more than parents of children with autism.  So isn't it wonderful that one of the things they receive is the ability to see these small steps happen right before their eyes?  Whoever said that you can't watch a flower bloom never knew what they were looking for.

Trust Me...It's A Crisis

I've always struggled with numbers but not this one... From the CDC comes this statistic - 1 in 50 children under the age of 17 holds an autism diagnosis.  Even for me, someone who has worked with parents of children with autism for years and suspected for quite some time that even the most recent statistic of 1 in 88 children was low, seeing this in print was simply startling.

Ask anyone whose life has been touched by autism and they'll tell you that it changes everything.  It strains marriages and finances.  Overwhelms resources and time.  Shifts priorities and plans.  Every day, in every possible way, autism overtakes life and the expression ..."let me count the ways" doesn't even scratch the surface in terms of the impact an autism spectrum disorder has on parents, families and well beyond.  Trust me, I know.

At a time when school budgets are being slashed and families are truly hurting by an aching economy, these numbers equate to a huge wake-up call for those who may have been napping.  The need for early intervention services is critical as the earlier supports and services are secured, the greater likelihood that the child can make and sustain progress.  The need for broader and more complex supports for teens has never been greater with social deficits and bullying defining a huge part of life for high school students.  And the need for college-level support is enormous, as the expectations and freedom that accompany the foray into young adult independence brings with it enormous risks.  Trust me, I know.

Working parents have the greatest challenges and if both parents are employed full-time outside of the home or if it's a single parent household, all bets are off.  Therapies, evaluations, research, school meetings, crisis situations...the strain on working parents and their time, finances, and health are beyond what employers and colleagues understand or even recognize. And as I say ad nauseum...behind every child with an autism spectrum disorder is a parent (or two parents) of a child with an autism spectrum disorder.  Trust me, I know.

Autism is complex and multi-faceted, leaving even the most "on" parents buckling under the strain.   Parents find themselves leaving jobs because any hope of work/life balance is greatly compromised if not impossible.  Parents find themselves on Google at 3 a.m. or spending weekends sifting through books and journals.  Parents find themselves remortgaging their homes, borrowing from family members, and altering their way of life beyond what those on the outside could fathom.   Trust me, I know.

Autism is a crisis.  Plain and simple.  It was a crisis five years ago and is even moreso today.  And while many are researching causes and developing new therapies, the reality is that exploding numbers of children and teens are struggling on this very day from wake-up in the morning to sleep (if sleep even happens) at night, in 2nd Grade and 11th Grade, in public schools and private schools.  And standing behind and beside each of these children is a worn, overwhelmed, frustrated, and confused parent - or two parents - trying in herculean ways to find answers and make things better.  Trust me, I know.

When a crisis hits, people mobilize.  Only in this case, it isn't a natural disaster but rather a national crisis impacting not only families in their own homes, but employers as well.  Employers must offer assistance, whether through flexible work options, funds allocated for an employee to use for therapies, private school, or legal counsel, or employee resource groups so working parents can share information and offer support.  Because even with internet research in the middle of the night, what working parent with an 8 or 14-year-old with Asperger's Syndrome has the time or energy to shoulder more than they already are?  Employers also need to recognize that today's children with an autism spectrum disorder will likely be tomorrow's employees programming their computer system or writing their corporate manual.  And in terms of society, everyone needs to begin to understand autism differently, for many pre-conceived notions from years ago are as outdated as go-go boots and wall telephones.

One in 50 children has autism.  It impacts everyone and is a genuine crisis.  Trust me, I know.

 

 

What Are People Thinking...Or Not

Maybe it's just me, but I find myself shaking my head in disbelief at some of the words and comments that come out of the mouths of adults these days.  And to be honest, I ask myself,  "Who raised these people?" with increasing frequency too.  No, I'm not blaming parents for everything - I'm a parent too - but there's no way *not* to question it sometimes. Two weeks ago, it was a security guard at Whole Foods who told the sister of a young man with autism that he should be kept on a leash.  I was speechless.  No, I was fuming and wanted (still do) 15 minutes with this person.  And double that amount of time with CEO John Mackey (still do and have attempted the same).  I couldn't believe that anyone would think no less speak such words nor could I believe that someone could even think this about another human being.

Last week, I watched a child staring at a slightly older child in a wheelchair.  The parent stood there and watched his child doing the staring, never bending down to quietly say, "It's not nice to stare" nor attempting to explain to his child why the other child might not be able to walk.  It was the parent's responsibility to capture this as a "teaching moment" vs. basically giving his child staring rights.  I wanted to take this on myself.

And today I just read about a situation whereby a family in a restaurant asked for their table to be moved because, "Special kids need to be kept in special places."  This was regarding a child with Down Syndrome (fortunately the waiter refused to serve them - this man deserves a raise).   Can you imagine being the parents who overheard this statement about their own child?  Or being the child himself hearing it?  I'm still speechless yet close to foaming at the mouth with things to say.

I am not naive, but do know that adults/parents are role models for behavior and attitudes.  Children see and hear what we as parents do...the good and the bad, and this learning often translates into perpetuating thoughts and behaviors that should be extinguished.

I am not affixing blame, but rather assigning responsibility to those whose antiquated thinking requires an upgrade, even if it's the thinking of a child.  If we as parents don't understand something, we need to take it upon ourselves to learn.  And if we are unaware that our words are harming others, we need to be adult enough to let someone point it out.  Life is about learning and even old dogs can learn new tricks.

And I am not unaware that discrimination -- blatant or otherwise -- continues today.  But it's the short and long-term impact of such attitudes that can destroy a life.  "Sticks and stones" has never been an accurate saying in my book.

Children, teenagers, or adults who are on the receiving end of bullying, discrimination, or worse deserve better.  Parents raising children with disabilities and special needs deserve better.  Companies who employee individuals lacking the awareness and sensitivity to treat every person with respect and dignity deserve better.  And we as a society need to demand better.  The phrase "stop and think" has never applied more or resonated louder.  Words that tumble from a person's mouth can be weapons and we all know painfully well what weapons can do, don't we.

Working Parents -- Start Asking The Tough Questions In School

Why are people so afraid to ask questions?  Okay, let me rephrase...why are parents so afraid to ask questions?  Is it because they don't know the questions to ask, don't want to hear the answers, or are reluctant to question people with expertise they may not have?

This question isn't being posed as something simply to consider, but is being directed in particular to working parents with a child who is struggling in school.  The fact is that while most are truly desperate for knowledge, many are reluctant to open the door to access answers.  But before you say, "Hey...I ask plenty of questions," allow me to elaborate.

WHY THE HESITATION?

If you're a working parent, you're already up to your neck with work/life challenges, particularly if you have a child with, for example, Asperger's Syndrome or a learning disability.  You're struggling to figure out what to do (i.e. what interventions or therapies are appropriate), who should do it (i.e. should you push for these services in school or secure them privately), and how to balance it all (i.e. workplace demands and family responsibilities).  It's a boatload of pressure any way you slice it.

But here's where the "questions" issue comes to a head.  Too many of you are reluctant to ask the psychologist who just completed your child's comprehensive testing to explain the results and data in "lay language" so you can understand it.  A 35-page report and you can't decipher much of it.  You're reluctant to ask your child's tutor (who you're paying for) to show you exactly what skills are being addressed.  You're hesitant to ask your child's teacher for data to support progress or to question things during your child's IEP meeting that are unclear or not making sense.  And if you are asking, you're not asking the questions to yield the information you need.

Questions are not being asked when answers are needed most.  Often times, it's because you see these people as "the experts," therefore it would be wrong, disrespectful, insulting, etc. to question them.  But isn't this precisely what's needed?  And aren't they asking you questions that may make you uncomfortable or push your boundaries?  What's truly puzzling is this -- if you take a similar scenario into the business arena, you are likely fine with asking all kinds of questions and your hesitation to ask is minimal.

I'd like to suggest something here -- that you begin to approach your child's education like you do your work.  In other words, ask yourself whether you're getting a return on your investment.  Is your time (often measured by the hours you're spending away from work handling your child's needs or perhaps reducing your work schedule entirely) and your resources (tapping into savings or borrowing from family) yielding positive results?  If you don't know the answer, you're not asking the tough questions.

Working parents who have children with special needs are mired in a "life mural" that requires unmatched work/life balance strategies.  Confusion and feeling overwhelmed is commonplace.  So what's the solution?  Asking the tough questions of "the experts" and expecting clear answers.  And continuing to ask questions if things remain unclear.  This approach yields powerful results ... and isn't this exactly what you're looking for?