It's True...Working Women Are Mothers Too

Working parents with Special education Special needs children including Autism ADHD Learning disabilities  Employee benefits Employee assistance Employee support Voluntary benefits. 504 Plan, IEP Program

If you're a woman who works outside of the home and a mother as well, you get it in spades.  If not, it's time to. 

Women are more than 50% of the workforce.  And many of these same women are also mothers, raising children.  Problem is, the business world doesn't seem to fully understand what this means.  Yet.

There are some areas where businesses are starting to listen and beginning to understand -- wage equality, paid family leave, and the push for more women in leadership positions.  All important issues, not only for women but for our society as a whole.  

And most of us would agree that work/life issues as they impact working mothers (and fathers) are "at the table" today in many business discussions.  Steps forward.  Yet particularly for working mothers, the steps aren't far enough. 

The realities are that millions of working mothers are unable to achieve and maintain any modicum of work flexibility and many fail to take or use their full maternity leave.  Many are being challenged in terms of their commitment to their job when a need arises regarding their children (and make no mistake about it...these "needs" continue for 21+ years).  And still others - and there are more than is known - are being forced, often in subtle but powerful ways, to choose between their careers/jobs and being a parent. 

I don't know anyone who would want to face these kinds of choices.

Let's think about a few things:

Do companies truly believe that it's still okay, in 2018, for such struggles to exist for working mothers?   Would those in senior leadership accept the same for their wives, daughters, or granddaughters?  And yes, I realize that women can be the ones exerting this pressure too.

Do companies think choosing motherhood means that their education and experience becomes an afterthought or that the time they've spent investing in and creating their careers suddenly has no meaning?  Or value?

Do companies not understand the big picture and think that the time (measured in years) working mothers spend raising and instilling values and qualities in their children - the same ones companies want in their future employees ... things like integrity, honesty, respect and kindness - happens in only a brief few months?  Or by age 5?

There are firms developing career reentry initiatives to help working mothers return to the workforce after spending "x" number of years raising their children.  And recommendations are now seeing the light of day for how to address a gap in a resume when it relates to parenting.   Why is stating that raising the next generation is something to be ashamed of, to excuse, or to hide?  Since when did raising a child equate to something to apologize for?  What messages are we giving and being forced to accept? 

Working women who are mothers deserve to have their abilities and their needs supported, both as parents and employees.  And this happens when "family-friendly" companies as defined by their culture and behaviors up and down the organization resonate with every working mother no matter their position, title or role.  Policies are great, but don't replace attitudes and actions.

For those companies truly embracing working mothers and not asking or expecting an explanation or apology about their life choices or how they've spent or spend their time, hats off.  And for those who aren't there yet, it's okay...we aren't going anywhere and our voices will continue to be heard.

 

"Leaning In" By Another Name

I know that there are going to be people who vehemently disagree with my thoughts on this, but that's okay.  I tend to speak up and out particularly if I believe others may be harmed or excluded in some way.  This is no different. Several days ago, I heard Sheryl Sandberg say that "not all women can do what I do."  I stopped for a minute before my head blew off my shoulders, only to conclude that regardless of whether you interpreted this statement as "I'm giddy because I have access to supports and opportunities that other women don't" or  "I'm smarter/more capable than the rest of you," it set me off.

Sandberg's premise that women need to "lean in" in order to achieve, be successful, be recognized as strong negotiators or leaders ... all assume that women are somehow either sitting on their behinds watching the world pass by or are hoping that, someday or somehow, someone (perhaps on a white horse) will recognize their efforts and reward them accordingly.  Her advice that women take more risks and fantasize about their careers assumes that women at any age/stage either aren't or haven't been doing so, or that working mothers in particular have the time or resources to be *able* to take these risks or imagine themselves elsewhere.  Risk-taking and dreaming are great, but neither pays the bills.

For a woman who makes an income with more zeros than most people - women or men - will ever make ... for a woman with the convenience of having a nursery attached to her office so she can easily soothe her child ... for a woman who extols the wonders of having a spouse who helps with the housework and how this makes all the difference ... as far as I'm concerned, this is bullying ... albeit wrapped in a nicer package.

You might say, "Hey...this is an awfully harsh comparison to make to a woman whose purpose is to motivate women to reach high."  I think otherwise.  Why?  Because while bullying takes all forms, there are commonalities - bullying makes the recipient feel bad about themselves.  Makes them question their worth...wonder if they belong...makes them feel  "less than" or somehow lacking.  And yes, I'm vocal about bullying in all forms and ways.

Whether Sandberg cares to acknowledge it or not, there are millions of women "leaning in" every day to be both Mom and Dad as single parents, struggling to maintain their families and their lives.  Millions doing the daily juggling act of work deadlines, sick kids, aging parents, and managing a marriage and home.  Millions whose education, skills, experience, and yes...drive could easily match Sandberg's, yet situations and life have altered their paths.  Does this mean they aren't working hard or smart enough?  That they're slackers who need a swift kick to shift out of neutral and into gear?  I think not.

It seems to me that we're on a collision course between women who define their achievements in terms of rank and salary and those who see their lives and success differently.  Sure, what woman wouldn't like to be making more and have more flexibility and resources at her disposal.  But rewards and recognition - both in business and in life - are personal measures that shouldn't be open to scrutiny by others *unless* they are opening their hands to help.  Real help in real ways.  Women have made huge strides over the past 20 years, in part because other women have reached out - not down - to open doors, offer guidance, and lead the way.  That's why telling women how they're doing things wrong and making women feel bad about themselves is leading us to a critical fork in the road.

The whole "lean in" concept assumes that women haven't been trying hard enough or haven't been striving to reach the bar, placing many on the fringe as outsiders vs. bringing them into the fold as part of a whole.  It reminds me of those dreadful middle school years where cliques of girls would verbally spar with each other to achieve status.  And we know which girls always worked the hardest - and yes, even the smartest - for recognition and acceptance and received it the least.  Isn't it time to forget the catch phrases which alienate and start recognizing that "leaning in" is just one of the many things women are already doing - and doing quite well - and applaud them for such?